Healthy relationships, we have all heard of them, we all want one, but how do we know if we are in one? How do we know we aren’t? What does it actually feel like to be in one?
Most of this does apply to other kinds of relationships but I am specifically referring to romantic relationships.
I am no expert on love or relationships, if I have learned anything about love, it’s what not to do. I have been in many unhealthy relationships and I am now in a healthy one, and have been for going on 6 years. I don’t have all the answers but I can tell you about some of the mistakes I have made, and perhaps you can learn something from them. I can also tell you what I do now, to keep my relationship healthy.
I think the first and most important thing to know, is that another person does not complete you, they cannot fix you and they cannot save you. Before you can be in a healthy relationship, you need to be a whole person or at least be working on it, and know that a relationship is separate from that. I spent many years trying to fill the hole inside me with a relationship, I desperately wanted to feel loved and needed. The more I tried and the more it did not work, the more I felt unlovable. I would pick fights or test people to see if they would ‘’prove’’ their love for me. I was so broken, I had to fix myself first. I was not capable of a healthy relationship. I had a deep fear of abandonment, I needed constant reassurance, it was never enough. I just felt more empty and more desperate.
A healthy relationship requires a balance of power. If one person is completely head over heels and the other sort of likes them, that is an emotional imbalance. If one partner earns all the money in the relationships and the other has to ask for permission to spend any money, even to buy clothing or groceries, that is a financial imbalance. That is not to say that you can’t have a healthy relationship with one partner working and one not working, it’s more about the control of the finances than who earns the money. If you have made a decision for one partner to stay at home, to start a business, focus on themselves, persue a qualification or raise children, but that partner still has access to money, the finances are discussed between the two and decisions are made together, that can still be a balanced, healthy relationship. In my marriage we have both at times not worked. Both partners need equal control and to have an equal voice. If you feel like you can‘t voice an opinion or ask a question, because the money is not yours, or the other person is more intelligent so they must know better, or they are better looking and ‘’out of your league’’, or they are older, or more opinionated or because they might get angry with you if you do, there is possibly an imbalance of power in the relationship.
You can’t change your partner, you can’t make an introvert enjoy social activities, you can’t make them enjoy the same music, you can’t make them want to binge watch a series with you if they don’t really enjoy watching TV, you can’t force someone to have an interest in history or politics or business. You have to accept and accommodate your differences. If you try to force them to change, or try to change yourself for others, you will both be miserable. It’s about compromise. You can introduce each other to new things, maybe they like it, maybe they don’t, you can’t make them enjoy it because you do. You can’t make them change who they are. I can’t make David like seafood, enjoy heavy metal, or want to watch documentaries about serial killers. He is never going to cry through movies. I am never going to want to watch anime, I am always going to be the person that chats to random people everywhere we go, I am always going to want just one more cat than we have, I will always be working on some cause to help a person or an animal. I can watch one episode of a series at a time, David can watch a season in a sitting. He is never going to remember where everything goes in the kitchen, and what we need from the shop, and the 4 other errands we need to run, and what is in our calendar 3 weekends from now. He is never going to be the picture of a good host at dinner parties, and that is ok, I will. If you can’t accept something about them, perhaps they don’t like animals and you have 5 dogs, you may want to accept that you are incompatible.
Do not care what other people think, it does not matter. What matters is that the two of you are happy. You make it work for you, even if others think the way you do so is strange. Making yourself or your partner miserable to please others is not a path to a happy relationship.
Something that can be very hard to achieve but can be invaluable, is intimacy without sex. Intimacy is a feeling of closeness, of vulnerability, it does not always have to be sexual. if you can achieve this feeling without it needing to be sexual, you can experience it more often and you can experience it when sex might be off the table for awhile, for example when someone is ill, or injured, or had surgery, or had a baby. It can help you weather the storms.
My marriage was the consequence of good timing, hard work and a little luck. We met on Tinder, at a time when I was not looking for a serious relationship, I had been diagnosed with depression, I was on medication, and working on myself. My grandmother had just passed away. I had had a bad experience with a guy from Tinder, and pretty much stopped using the app but not uninstalled it. Then David messaged me. He seemed interesting, his profile said only ‘’I am not a wizard’’, so we began chatting, he had also recently left his first marriage and lost his Mom, we connected. I decided I’d meet him for a coffee, what harm could it do? The coffee date was supposed to last only 30 minutes, it lasted 2 hours, and by the time we kissed goodbye, I think we both knew that something had just happened. We saw each other constantly after that, I am not going to lie, we have had some up and downs, it has been far from perfect. It has been very hard work at times. After 7 months of dating, I found out I was pregnant, we were both in complete shock, but decided to make it work, we were very very much in love. We moved in together, had the baby, got married and immigrated, shortly followed by the pandemic and lockdown, we immigrated again and I had a breakdown. All this in the space of about 3 years. We have truly surmounted huge obstacles. We have had too work through some big stuff in our relationship too, but our relationship has always been worth working for.
David feels like coming home, like a soft place to land, like a safe space to be myself, to be silly or sad, every night I lie in bed next to him and feel lucky. We have been apart very few nights over the past 5 years, and when we are, I feel like I am in a foreign land. We are best friends, we laugh together, and be silly together. We both care very little about what others think, this allows us a lot of freedom to have fun. We have complete trust in each other, there is no doubt or insecurity. He has never made me feel fat or ugly or weak or stupid. He makes me feel like I can do what I want to do, like I have so much value, like I am worth listening to. He is the first person I call when I am happy, or when I am sad. My life is filled with tiny moments of love, a cup of coffee brought to me first thing in the morning, a dozen random hugs and kisses each day, my favourite things bought for me in the grocery shop, support of my ideas, he puts his arms around me in his sleep. That is what it feels like. It feels safe, warm and comforting.
I had already begun the work on myself and I didn’t need him to help me do it. I didn’t need the constant reassurance anymore. I wasn’t desperately trying to use him to feel better. He has supported and encouraged my healing process. He has paid for therapy, driven me to it, made my favourite dinners, wiped my tears and allowed me space to heal and process, at times this has been whole days in bed, in a dark room, being unable to speak. He allows me this, he brings me food, and cuddles me and let’s me do what I need to do. He cares for our child when I can’t. He is incredibly kind and caring. He never resents me for it, even when it’s been really tough for him to pick up the slack.
We disagree on many many things, but we agree on all the big things, maybe that is where the luck comes in. We agree on religion, politics, family and parenting. We are both very honest and value integrity in others. We agree on the plan for our life, our child, our retirement. We disagree on what music to put on when we clean the house. We have both put in huge amounts of work to make our marriage what it is today, we have been for therapy together, we have done exercises, we plan regular date nights, we go on little trips away. We talk, I talk a lot, David talks a little, but we we don‘t shout, we don’t ever insult or humiliate, and we both listen. We listen to each other’s needs and feelings, we do our best to accommodate the other person. Apologies are followed by a change in behaviour. We go out of our way to make the other feel safe, special and loved. We allow the other person to be who they are, even when we don’t understand it. We try not push each other to do things or go places that make the other uncomfortable. David is less comfortable in social situations than I am, so I will often to go to a large birthday party or event on my own. He stays home and plays video games, I get to interact with people and we are both happy. I don’t need someone by my side, I am happy to go alone to most things. If it is important, or it is a situation where I am uncomfortable on my own, he will go with me, but I always try to think about whether I need him there or not. David is a person who needs a lot of alone time, so I try give it to him. I like to be social and he tries to allow me that as much as he can, looking after our daughter if I want an evening out. We do what works for us. You have to communicate, you have to ask for what you need, and you have to listen to what your partner needs. You can’t change who you are or who they are, but you can change behaviours. We had to work on communication, and being comfortable with emotion. We prioritise our marriage, we prioritise each other. We treat each other with kindness and respect, even when we are angry.
Red flags to look out for in relationships:
Feeling anxious about what the other person is feeling, because you don’t really know and can’t ask
Insulting, comparing or degrading each other
Going for an extended period of time not talking to each other after disagreements
Humiliating each other in front of others, even in small comments
A change in behaviour when you are alone vs in front of others
Aggressive or belittling behaviour when drinking
Not feeling like you can voice your needs
Not feeling like you can bring up something that bothers you
Gaslighting
Passive Aggressiveness
Holding something over you, like money or something you did a long time ago
Ending a conversation or disagreement before you can have your say
Being isolated from friends and family
Controlling behaviours, what you wear, what you eat, where you go, who you go with
Possessiveness or jealousy
Lying
Comments